At 2495 meters I thought it was over...

Two weeks ago, I told a story about burning some bridges and heading into the unknown...

Bravery... it's a funny thing isn't it? 

Sometimes we are braver than we ever thought possible, more often than not because we find ourselves where the choices to be anything else are limited. 

This is the Capra peak (the "goat") in Romania

2020-09-13 16.24.22 copy.jpg


A few weeks ago, my friend Adela (local guide extraordinaire who've I've known since my first journey into magical Transylvania 7 years ago and the one looking fab in the picture above)  invited me to join her and a bunch of strangers on a proper hike in the Fagaras mountains. 

I was told it would be a medium-level hike, we would start at Balea lake at the top of the famous road Transfagarasan. 

We set out, on a beautiful Sunday morning, from the charming cobblestoned streets of medieval Sibiu to the rocky impressive Fagaras mountains. 

It was a beautiful day. The landscape breathtaking at every turn, and my body adapted way quicker than I ever anticipated to walking steep hillsides and navigate rocky footpaths. 

I was feeling preeetty good about myself I tell you.

And then. 

Capra came. 

You know when you find yourself in a situation and your first impulse is to ask the people who got you there "WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN ME?".
Then afterwards, you think, THANK GOD they didn't. 

See, up towards the Capra peak, there was this pathway, about as wide as me (so in theory, perfect for walking, no tight-rope balancing skills necessary). 

But then, on each side of this path, was... nothing.
On the right, a sharp cliffside.
On the left, oh another one.
On both, nothing but a spectacular view.
 
Since the path was going in up, I followed my instincts and went down on all fours, not so much climbing as trying to slide up the mountain. 

My fear grew to the point where it in itself was the problem. I started to shake. 

With reassuring words from the ones in front of me, I somehow made it up to the peak. Where I held on to my friend, who sat me down so I could find my breath and calm my nerves. 

As I sat down, I looked towards the next part of our journey. My eyes widened in disbelief. 
 
It looked WAY WORSE than where I'd come from. Basically like a razor sharp thin ledge made of craggy rocks that I would have to balance, without plummeting to my death below. 

The road ahead looked horrible, treacherous and impossible. I mean it, Impossible. 

But there was no way in HELL I'd go back the way I came (and it wasn't an option either, I couldn't leave the group, and it would have been like a 2 hour hike back)

So I sat on that mountain, waiting for the rest of the group to come up, and wondered - is there any way for me to just stay here? I couldn't see how I would be able to go ahead but there was no way back either.

Yes it might be simplified and too poetic to stomach, but taking a metaphorical leap of faith in your life is very similar.

We have a vague idea of the destination. But no clue how to get there. And the road looks bleak, difficult and full of risk. 

My acting coach always says "successful people ask for help". 
I did that on the mountain. I told our professional guide that I was shaking out of fear, and with his assuring cooing and nudging I made it out on that horrible looking ridge. 

Turns out, it wasn't as difficult as it looked from afar.

Coming closer to the ridge, there was a dirt pathway between the rocks - no balancing required. I couldn't see that until I started walking. 

I think about this now, from time to time, whenever I feel doubt creep in, asking "so, how are you going to make this acting/singing/writing/dream thing work?"

I remember that the only way to get to the top of the mountain is to start walking. 

Burning bridges to a crisp

This is a story I shared with my email subscribers today. And then I thought, hey, it feels universal enough to have up here too… Without further ado

I burned the boat, the bridges, the so-called "safe" option. 
And here I stand, with an optimistic (panicked) smile posing as a life-jacket.

The afore-mentioned "boat" was a dependable day-job. Something that, in times of Covid and uncertainty, certainly looked nice on paper. In theory. In logical terms. 

Yeah it looked nice on paper. Good hours, good pay. Swedes. (Who knows they might even have Swedish Zoegas coffee and licorice hidden away somewhere). But... 

They wanted someone to stay - longterm. 
And I can't lie. 

This strange Covid-year gave me a very punch-out-my-teeth-blessing-in-disguise. It gave me no excuses not to go for what I really love to do. Sing and act. Creative projects. Make ideas happen, use my voice. 

My former financial cushion was a job as a guide. Well, needless to say, tourism has had better years. 

I was put in this position in life to say, fuck it, if not now - then when? 

This made burning the day-job bridge "easy". 


I told them the truth - I have other ambitions for my life, and that's not sleek purses and state dinners.

It's film, it's the theatre, it's the stage. 

It felt freeing to speak my truth. I was top on the world! I had 3 concerts in central Bucharest, we worked with intensity and fire in our eyes and then...

… I found myself feeling like shit. 


Oh, all the self-doubt came hurdling towards me, and there I stood, right before a concert while setting up, thinking to myself "I SUCK at this"

I texted my vocal coach and friend who quickly talked me down the ledge of "I can't sing!"-BS that was swirling around in my head. 


Well, I got up to the microphone and I sang and things were fine. Yet, the days to come, I still had this... feeling of questioning who I am a singer and what do I really want from life, and am I "good enough" to do what I want to. 
 
More than anything else, what I learned from this experience is that when I give myself what I want there's a part of me that's going to try to protect myself from it. 

In this case, the old part of me that longs for safety was lovingly bullying me to re-think my decision. She doesn't do it to be mean, she genuinely wants me to be safe.  

When we burn the bridge, the boat, whatever you want to call that "safe choice" - it's scary. 
The road that lies ahead is unknown. And burning the bridge means... well. It means we can't go back. Now there's only forward and who knows what scary monsters lurk over there. 

But who knows.. Maybe the monsters are really cute? :) 

A vow: To Challenge my Own Limited Thinking

“To not speak IS to speak” (Dietrich Bonhoeffer)

Yet, when I saw Instagram go black, I couldn’t just join in.

Black lives matter. They Matter.
We all have a responsibility to listen and support. 

But before I said anything, I paused. 

Because I don’t want to let myself off the hook. 

I’m no influencer with a platform that reaches millions. But I have a voice. Doesn’t matter if only one person reads this, one is enough.

I couldn’t open my mouth until I had figured out what to do with my OWN prejudice. 

There are many ways to show support for what you believe in. Being vocal on social media is one. 

I was so tempted to just post, pat myself on the back, call myself a Good Person and that would be it. Go back to normal. 

But when expansion happens, there’s nothing to go back to. 

I went within. Looking at my own darkness, my prejudice and my fear.
Who do I secretly judge? Who am I afraid to meet?

Where am I withholding love?

Because let’s be frank. We all judge.

Of course there are groups, communities, people who look different than me that I carry judgement towards.
No matter how progressive or open-minded I say I am.
There are people who, when they come close to me, make me flinch or tense up. 

There are communities I say the right words about but I am still fearful of actually meeting face to face. 

Time to seek out my own discomfort. 

I decided on who I’d like to meet. Even though I feel insecure. 
I found some organizations... and I’ve kept those tabs up on my computer for more than a week now. 

Still hesitant to press send.

I realized that I fear changing my mind:

- What if I meet this person and it leads me to challenge everything I've come to believe this far?

- What if I judge even more than I think I do? 

- Will I have to go back on something I’ve said or thought before? 

- Will it make me disprove of someone I love? 

- Will it make me disagree or feel disbelief for someone I love?
 

These thoughts, that’s the fear. 

Way more than sitting down and having coffee with someone who looks different than me.

I am telling you because I need to hold myself accountable.
I can’t continue posting about songs and music and art… if I don’t go here first.

My next release is a song about revolutions. I wrote it years ago.
It was on my mind after Ukraine. During the protests in Bucharest.

Now I find myself on the sidelines of yet another revolution. Again as the spectator and not within the flames.

And there’s no way I can release that song if I don’t get closer to the heat myself.

If I don’t move the needle on the dark within myself, then everything else - no matter how well meaning - will be lip service. 

By saying it out loud I commit today to reach out and challenge my own presumptions.

And I would love to know how this resonated with you. Your thoughts at this time, just in general. 

And if you have resources to share, let me know.
Eager to learn more.
Become more.

----

What I vow to do & am doing: 

#Watch: 
“13th” on Netflix
A brilliant documentary, taught me to see the connection between slavery and what’s happening today in the US. Plus how warped their justice/corrections system is. To understand what we see now, this is a good start. 

“White right. Meeting the enemy” on https://www.youtube.com/fuuse
By Norwegian filmmaker Deeyah Khan and you can see it for free on Youtube. Deeyah sits down with men that are fascists, racists and “alt-right”. This touched me more than I expected, it touches the core on what Humanity is - I teared up. Please watch. 


#Donate/Vote with our wallet
I set up a small monthly donation to Black Lives Matter. If you can’t donate to an organization right now I get it (trust me, I have had no income since the pandemic started). If you can, it’s a sincere way to show support. 


#Reaching out one-on-one 
This is where bravery comes in.

Setting up a donation, watching a film - yeah, got those down since before. I’ve done that before.
Facing my own prejudice, reaching out to someone I feel insecure about meeting… that’s a whole new thing.

Will keep you posted on how this one goes. Because this is the
blone, for me personally, that matters.

This is the one taking myself out of being a by-stander and INTO the arena. 

"You" - behind the lyrics

It was early spring. The kind when the sun might shine yet the wind will still creep in and icily caress your bones. 

I walked up to the backstage entrance of an old theatre. Thinking, with a racing heart, “what have I got myself into?”

That night, I performed my first monologue in room full of strangers.

I didn’t choose the monologue, yet it was personal, it was raw and I was overcome with emotion - I cracked. From that moment, completely vulnerable on stage, I fell in love with acting. 

I love acting because when you act - you tell the truth. 

I thought I couldn’t act because I’m not that good at intentionally lying. But it turns out that even while pretending to be another person the emotions are real.
You still got to do you.

It’s the same for music and songwriting. We tell stories.
But the power of a song is how real the emotions are behind the words.

“You” is one of the most personal songs I’ve released. It’s about love. Shocker, right?

It’s an optimistic love song - and funnily enough I finished it while feeling (quite brutally) bruised and rejected
(and isn’t it funny - the same situation was what drove me to acting. As life is)

I had just kind of crawled out of the hole of despair I’d been clinging to. I was eager to feel good again but not only that. I was eager to allow myself to feel love. Unconditionally.

When I say unconditionally I mean as as in  “I love you and I feel love no matter how you feel about me. No matter what the circumstances look like, or how it will be received”. 

We’re taught, by books and film, that love has to be requited. It if it’s not, it’s either because we’re not the leading lady/man in our own movie (as in = there’s something wrong with us) or we should be depressed and heartbroken about it (because hey, if you don’t validate me I should crumble right?)

BUT here’s the thing.
It’s what Bob Goff says: If you love with an agenda, it’s not really love.

When I think about it, I’ve always felt most love and most excited by it when I didn’t really “care” what I would get from the other person. 

I love dogs.

One of the reasons is that they shower people with love, without asking for much in return. 

They don’t withhold, they don’t pout, they don’t make it conditional: “ I will love you but only if you do x,y,z for me”. Sure they’ll expect food and an occasional walk, but the kind of love they come running  towards you with, they just give it. Without fear.

That thing, loving without hesitation, without worrying if I’m good enough or not for you, that kind of love.. 

That’s what “You” is about. 

Because in that kind of love there’s freedom. And power.


Listen to “You” on Spotify or Youtube. If you enjoy it, please like/share/comment.

"You" on Radio Romania Brasov FM (RO)

The clip below had me tearing up. Radio Romania Brasov FM was one of the first stations in Romania to pick the song up. They made such a beautiful intro for the song and about me - AND took the time to film it and send it my way. That had me floored, because if it’s something I admire, it’s kindness. It doesn’t take that much to make someone feel love and appreciation. So, multumesc frumos Radio Romania Brasov!